A Brief History of America

My friend sent me this. I would like to share his profound knowledge of history with you:

Ahh, the Fourth of July. Who doesn’t like the Fourth of July? Evildoers don’t, that’s who. Because the Fourth of July represents the beginning of the country that God Himself ordained to bring the destruction of all Evildoers around the world. Let’s recount that glorious and holy history and all the things God had us do, since, after all, we are a Christian nation of only the highest moral caliber. I mean, the Puritans, come on, they are a shoo-in for ethical paradigm. As we all know, giving-up, throwing your hands in the air, and saying, “Well, I don’t like this situation here, so let’s all just move away across the Atlantic” is the courageous and the proper way to deal with trouble and disagreement. I mean, that’s what we teach our kids right? Run away and flee from problems, don’t try to deal with them. And when those purest of Puritans got here, they used the native peoples’ friendship to gain survival knowledge, and then kicked them out of their homes. I am sure the Puritans were only thinking of what a great, Godly nation this would be if they would just swindle the native people out of their land and territory with horribly unfair trades. And how about those witches! They sure got them! I mean, nothing says ‘Solid theology’ like irrationally accusing young women of worshiping the devil. Arbitrary, Draconian law systems are really the best representation of revealed truth. Let’s also not forget the smallpox-ridden blankets that the Puritans distributed about the native population. It’s really only the first step to a national, God approved, genocide that would continue for many decades to come. Because when you flee from persecution, the best way to respond is to persecute everyone else in a textbook bully mentality.
But all that was before we were The United States of America, so let’s just go to the beginning of the organized government. We start this great nation by killing the British in guerrilla warfare. But this was not good enough, so in 1812 we went back for some more and killed a few more British and attempted to steal some land from the British, Spanish, and a few Indian tribes while we were at it. Of course, between these two wars we were not just twiddling our thumbs, oh no, we were killing Indians to while away the time. Not only were we killing Indians in between, but we also decided to take a little vacation and sail up the Barbary Coast. You know, to do a little relaxing, a little fishing, and a little piracy. Nothing says ‘American’ quite like state sponsored piracy to teach those Muslim pirates not to be pirates or Muslim–by way of murder.
Then, after some bad politics and an underhanded populous take over of Mexican territory, the Americans living in Mexican land decided that they did not want to give up their human slaves. Apparently, killing Africans was not good enough, so we started killing Mexicans. Of course, the Mexicans wanted the land back, so we continued to kill them for a little bit more, you know to get those ideas out of their blood.
After killing some Mexicans, we acquired more land and started killing each other. All this while, I should mention, from the time of killing British to killing each other, we were also killing black people, and would continue to do so sporadically, slowly dying off up to the 1960’s. We never really got tired of killing each other either, continuing to do so today as part of petty crimes. I mean, why the hell not. When God made this country with his own hands, He also drafted an amendment to the constitution we still have around that says we all should get to have guns. You know, just incase I find an invading monarch in my backyard one morning and need to shoot him.
Well, things turned sour in Cuba for the Spanish, and we decided this would be a good time to say we want peace, but act to gain more territory. So naturally, we sent our military presence into the middle of somebody else’s’ fight. The double speak began, and so did our killing of the Spanish. In the end we got what we wanted, more land.
On that note, internally we were creating state sponsored genocide of the native American peoples with such acts viciously named and executed as the Indian Removal Act and organizing mass moves and takeovers in the idea of ‘more land’. There have been some great marches in world history, but one of the best has to be our own, American born, Trail of Tears. Over many years and leading into modern American history, we have never really been sure what to do with these people. Well, at least we got the complete disenfranchisement, denial of proper representation (one of the reasons we killed British people), displacement, and abuse down pat. Yes, America nearly killed off an entire people.
Then a young, vibrant, and modern America toasted the new century by killing more Spanish for the very humane purpose of freeing the Filipinos. Freeing them right into our own colonial control. Naturally, once the Philippines were ours, we could then kill the Filipino guerillas at whim; and what are a couple hundred thousand collateral damages on the side? At least we got the land.
I seem to remember that somewhere in there we stated killing Hungarians, Germans, Bulgarians, Russians, Italians, Austrians, and Ottomans in the name of stopping all wars or something like that. But I guess it didn’t really last because before long we got busy killing Germans again. Of course, to be fair, the Germans might have deserved that one, but was it really necessary for us to steal their engineers of death for ourselves, not allow them to be tried in Nuremberg for the atrocious wars crimes they actively participated in, and have them build bigger killing machines for us with a promise of having that Godly, American hand over them to protect them. Which of course resulted in us creating what, I think I can safely say, was one of the larger, tragic events in the Japanese people’s history. I mean after all they had it coming, right? Once again, the proper response to a surprise attack on a military base is to bomb the living shit out of two civilian cities. We aren’t just talking about big bangs; we are also talking about leukemia, crippling and fatal birth defects, and massive cellular mutations that linger for generations. And on top of that, we interned our own citizens here while all that was playing out there–by presidential order.
It turns out, Russia got some Nazi scientists too, and so we had to make sure that our Jew enslaving scientists beat the other guys’ in creating our apoctolyptic toys for us. I mean, God forbid, if America doesn’t fulfill its duty as God’s keeper of peace–specially ordained. Obviously, capitalism = God, communism = Devil. One of those great theological statements we have made in the past, like about witches, or the slavery of the African people, or the removal of Indians, or the suspicious Japanese people.
Well, as we were on another great “red” witch-hunt, falsely accusing our own kind, we were also busy killing in South and Central America, asserting that theology of capitalism vs. communism. You know, the old, “We’ll use the CIA to overturn governments in other sovereign countries to bend their economics our way–by way of assassinations and instigated uprisings” strategy. That’s Holy, and 100% American.
It wasn’t long, of course, before we started killing Koreans, Chinese, and some Russians over this issue of God’s economics. We would return to this area to once again kill Vietnamese, but not before we almost got ourselves a bit of leukemia all having to do with that Cuban thing again. Boy, ever since the killing of the Spanish, we have really wanted that area, but never really got a great hold on it.
After killing Vietnamese, we got tangled up in the Middle East a bit here and there because people were killing each other after we had a part in changing all the boundary lines. That whole, “we’re sovereign, but we can ignore other countries sovereignty”. The classic double speak we often have the privilege of using as God’s messenger and performer of all His deeds.
And the Middle East brings us up to the present. We shot some Arabs. Took only the shortest of breaks, and then shot some more. We are still shooting them today. We’ll probably be shooting them for a while more now, all, of course, done for official reasons that have unofficially vacillated throughout the course of our killing them. But, we weren’t giving all our attention to the Middle East in the last few decades, oh no. If American is not equal opportunist, then you can call me Santa. How could we forget when we shot Panamanians and took the canal for ourselves–all in the name of democratic freedom, and strangely enough, neutral control of the canal.
All this and realizing that this all took place in just a short 231 years. And these are only the major events, there have always been other foreign and domestic involvements, but who has the time? 231 years, wow. Apparently Americans have the time. We make time for a good killing. How have we become the most powerful nation on the earth? Economics and God. God gave us the calling and permission to use His name for the production and propagation of our greatest export, killing and war. And dammit, who would have it any other way. So as we light our bottle rockets, we salute it and all it stands for. At the sound of the report, let’s say the pledge of allegiance:
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America.
And to the republic for which it stands,
one nation, under God, indivisible,
with liberty, and justice for all.